Re-experiencing Moments

A Lesson from Wedding Reflections

Hi Friends! Happy Monday! It has been quite some time since I’ve written and the big news is that I got married last month…thus why I chose to take the pressure off of myself from writing over the past couple of months. The wedding was the absolute best, so filled with joy and love, and being surrounded by everyone who you care about felt truly special. Between the wedding and our honeymoon, we were able to celebrate for almost three weeks, and the spectrum of emotions I felt during that time — love/being loved, happiness, excitement, nervousness, warmth, etc. — was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As I reflected, I realized that my emotional range in the weeks leading up to the wedding was limited to two emotions: anxiety and excitement. Which really are so similar in terms of how they feel in the body. This made the wide range of emotions I felt during the actual event all the more exceptional.

During my post-wedding reflections, I felt grateful that I could re-experience this wide range of emotions I experienced throughout the wedding/honeymoon. I feel like I accomplished my intention to be fully present during the weekend, and especially on the wedding day/night itself. I have very specific moments imprinted in my memory, which I can re-experience through all of my senses. Yawning 20 times right before walking down the aisle, since apparently I yawn when I get nervous, and my mom telling me, “you can’t yawn when you’re walking!” Looking at Jordan while she officiated and thinking, “our nine year old selves never would have guessed we’d be standing here together in 2022.” Listening to Jonathan say his vows and watching his eyes tear. Holding Jonathan’s hand in one hand and my cape in the other (yes, I wore a cape and it was incredible) as we walked down to the sand directly after our ceremony, while trying to not fall on my face/trip over my dress (see photo below). Dancing and singing (really, screaming) at our friends to Blink-182, The Killers, and the other early 2000s gems. Dancing/jumping with my parents and brother to Don’t Stop Believing. Not being totally ready for the father-daughter dance and forgetting my first step. And sitting next to Jonathan at our table, looking out at the whole party, everyone dancing and laughing, looking back at him to take it all in (see photo below).

For any of these moments, I remember the visuals, the sounds, (maybe not really the smells), the feelings in my body, and if there was physical touch. This re-experiencing, I realized, is not limited to just one event, or one weekend of events, but we can choose to re-experience any moment/experience in our lives at any time. And, I’d be remiss not to mention how awestruck I was, and still am, by the complexity of human emotional range.

I was talking to a friend recently about how feelings that come up will always exist, no matter how hard we try to push them away or rationalize our way out of them. There is no escaping, even if it feels like we escape for a moment. We have little control over how our emotions present themselves and this conversation made me wonder how our lives would be different if we just allowed. Allowed the feelings to be there. It is a version of presence, in a sense. To be present is to experience a moment through each sense. I’d argue that feeling emotion is either a sixth sense, or perhaps, we experience emotion through our other senses, certainly physical feelings in our bodies.

I believe that the presence I felt during the wedding is why I am able to so deeply re-experience those moments. I remember consciously feeling present to everything happening in my immediate orbit — the people I was talking to, dancing with, hugging, the food I ate (not much), drinks I drank (many), how the music sounded, etc. But my orbit did not extend so far beyond myself such that I do not clearly remember certain other moments, like the lead singer of the band walking on the dance floor, or a friend carrying a case of beer onto the dance floor, or even where the dessert bar was (still have no idea). I think that if I had focused my presence on those things, the moments in my orbit would have lost clarity, and those are what really carried with them the full spectrum of emotion I feel so grateful to have experienced.

Reflections:

• Which moments of your life are easy to re-experience?

• In the emotionally heightened moments of your life, did you feel an “orbit” of presence?

• How are you able to re-experience moments? Through meditation? Simple reflection? Quiet time?

Of course I have to include a few more wedding photos….our photographer, Yvette Roman, was incredible and took a mix of film + digital photos.

Some things I’m reading/thinking about/listening to:

• Chromasonic immersive light and sound experience (in Venice) (thanks, Jordan, for telling me about this!)

• Just finished reading Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid and I highly recommend. Hard to stop reading.

• Now I’m reading The Metaverse: And How It Will Revolutionize Everything by Matthew Ball. Very interesting (and kind of terrifying), but I work in crypto now, so…

• I semi-recently subscribed to the NY Times Sunday paper and have been enjoying the crossword (still terrible at it), and the sound of newspaper pages. Still compulsively wash my hands after reading though. Also, Wordle will forever remain in my daily routine.

• Following the Tornado Cash sanctions action by the U.S. Treasury Department’s Office of Foreign Assets Control, I’ve been deep in understanding the censorship implications. Scary, but also interesting that we are technologically advanced enough to have this conversation.

• I’m taking Abi Rasminsky’s writing class (once a month until December) and it has been such a great way to step into my creativity.

• I also started a course on decentralized finance through SheFi, which is an incredible org.

• This Tara Brach meditation on Insight Timer.

Thanks for reading :) I promise my next post won’t be wedding related…